Did anyone else feel like they were stealing their baby as they left the hospital with their newborn? We were amazed that ‘they’ were letting two novices leave with a tiny bundle of sweet smelling perfection. “I can’t believe they’re letting us just walk out of here” I said to my husband as we carried out precious cargo out to the car. We drove home so slowly that it was ridiculous. There should be a bumper sticker that you can put onto your car that says: “first time parents driving their baby home for the first time” , like “Just Married” or “Learner Driver”, deserving of special compensation on the road and extra indulgence from fellow commuters. Once home, we placed our sleeping baby into her bassinet and just looked in awe at her. I flung a private prayer out to the four corners of the universe that my mothering skills would match the enormity of my love for this wonderful child that was in our charge.
That precious baby is now sixteen years old . Our fourth baby is nearly sixteen months old and nearly a decade younger than our next youngest. B was a surprise baby in the most positive sense. April 2009, away at the beach for Easter, the glass of red wine infront of me made me feel nauseous. Hmmm I thought, and then “Nup” I thought, “I couldn’t be pregnant. I’ve recently had a huge fibroid removed from my uterous, I’m incapable of getting pregnant”. So I put it out of my mind and drank that glass of wine.
One week later at the supermarket, my hand alighted on a pregnancy test. Hmmm, can’t do any harm to buy it apart from the mild disappointment I’ll feel when it shows negative. So it got chucked into the trolley and forgotten about until a few days passed and my period still hadn’t arrived. I thought it more likely to be menopause than pregnancy.
It was a work day morning, and we were all bustling about when our world came to a halt. The little window in the pregnancy test immediately showed two stripes; positive! I opened the bathroom door and called my husband in. I was hyperventilating and he knew straight away. “You’re not!” he said. “I’m pregnant” I said “Oh my God”. We sat on the edge of the bath and giggled like naughty school children.
We didn’t tell our three children immediately being pretty sure that this early pregnancy would come to nothing. I had miscarried before and what with my age and the scarring from my surgery, things didn’t seem that likely to come to fruition. So my husband and I kept our secret to ourselves, but not for long. First we told our daughter who was the eldest. We thought she could cope if the pregnancy failed, but we primed her and warned her that things may not work out. Then we told our boys. I can still recall their reaction. They whooped, jumped about and cheered. I cried at their delight, never expecting such a huge reaction. “oh MY GOD” my oldest boy kept saying “You’re going to HAVE A BABY!!! MUM!” They understood that not all pregnancies become babies and that sometimes things go wrong. I crossed my fingers and hoped our little bean would make it. Suddenly we all owned our budding baby and we all held our collective breaths until we knew all was well.
“Am I the oldest woman in the world to be having a baby?” I asked my obstetrician. “Not even close” she said. “My oldest pregnant patient was 48 and she conceived naturally and did brilliantly. You’ll be fine.”
And I was fine and B was fine. And for the fourth time we got to steal our baby and take him home from the hospital. Did I feel like an old hand at parenthood after four children? Just quietly, no. I felt that it was familiar, but noted how much I had forgotten and wondered how I could have forgotten these tender, special things. Then realised that I hadn’t really forgotten them at all, but was getting another chance to be reminded and to experience these wonderful moments again. Things like inhaling the smell of your newborn, feeling the tug on your breast, those still, silences in the small hours of the morning when it seems that you and your baby are the only people on earth. The feel of the tiny hand grasping your finger and those incredible little sounds that babies make when they feed. How privileged and blessed I felt to be getting to do all this again.
Be encouraged if you are older and want to conceive. Parenting is a life time pursuit. I never want to be the ‘expert’, I will always be a learner, because my children will never stop evolving; they will continue to surprise, delight and intrigue me. I will forever be in their debt for taking me left of the centre of my universe.
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